Envy and comparison

Anna Blanc - Worship Leader, Singer
Anna's personal website: www.theblancspot.com
Anna grew up in Houston Texas and then attended college in Boulder, Colorado before moving to IHOP in January 2005. Her desire is to live every moment in constant communion with Christ within. She desires to write songs that will lead hearts in the adoration of Jesus.

Envy and comparison are topics we rarely discuss as singers and musicians on worship teams. We all agree that these are sin and abhorrent, and as such, we attempt to evade being associated with them at all. Ironically, they are also two of the most common temptations that we face. The shame we feel about our private struggles with comparison and envy keeps us firmly in the sway of the evil one. The more we cling to the veil of secrecy that hides our battle against these sins, the more we are cut off from the true freedom and growth the Lord intends for us as unique vessels of worship. 

I remember the day I began voice lessons with the top vocal teacher in our community. In my first lesson, the instructor asked me to explain my goals as a singer; what did I want to walk away with from our lessons? I knew exactly what I wanted. I wanted to find my chest voice, a low belt for a female singer, and I wanted to thunder over the room like the singers I envied! There were several singers I had looked up to for years as the “perfect voices”. I wanted to sing with the same power I heard in their voices. Finally, I thought,in no time I will sound just like them! 

My teacher took me seriously, and began to train me in my lower, belting register. I practiced diligently. After several weeks of this form of training, my wise teacher waved her hand during a lesson, stopping the exercise I was singing. After a moment of silence, she leveled with me, saying something like, “Anna, the more you sing week after week in your chest voice, the more you lose clarity and beauty in your entire range. You are a soprano. How would you feel if we started training you to sound like you?” 

I was devastated. 

It was like my dream, my goal, my every hope as a singer was dashed in that moment. I would never sound like the ones I was so jealous of. Because the basis of my momentum in growing as a singer was largely fueled by comparison and envy, the air was suddenly knocked out of my diligence and vision. I did know, however, that she was right. It would be unwise to ruin my natural voice while grasping for a style that, for me, proved unhealthy. And so we directed our focus in lessons, and I began to train more classically, strengthening my head voice throughout my range. 

Though I made the right decision in refocusing my lessons to work with my natural voice, still the underlying darkness of comparison and envy thrived in my heart. Instead of seeing my voice the way God does, I decided I would just have to be content with the fact that He gave me a voice that is sub-par. I may have been able to dress up this contentment as surrender to the Lord’s will, but the Holy Spirit would not let me get away with this for too many years. He soon exposed it for what it truly was—an ungodly agreement with a lie of the enemy. 

It was after singing an Encounter God Service nearly two years later that the Lord revealed my issues with comparison once again. Julie Meyer had just led worship during which I had sung an oracle in a very classical style. In the post-set meeting, Julie pointed her finger at me and said, “Anna, the Lord says stop it, stop it, stop it! Stop comparing your voice with others. Your voice is unique, and you need to thank Him that your voice is different.” I was surprised, thinking I had already dealt with my envy and comparison issues, but I could feel the Holy Spirit on her words. This was truly what God was saying to me. 

As I left the parking lot that night, I began to realize Julie was right. I had made peace with my voice, but I was not grateful. I accepted that my voice was not what I had originally hoped, but I still saw the other voices I looked up to as “better”. I started speaking out loud: “Thank you, Jesus, for my voice. Thank you that I am a soprano. Thank you that I am unique and that you made my voice just the way it is.” As I began making these statements of gratitude, they felt empty and stale. However, as the minutes went by and I continued to thank Him out loud, my heart began to move. The simple phrases of gratitude began to take on real meaning, from the depth of my spirit. I began to truly feel. I really was thankful for my voice. I really did like the way I sounded. It was just a beginning to the process of unhooking my heart from the lies I had believed, but it was a powerful moment. 

Gratitude is one of the biggest combatants to comparison and envy. When we look to the right or the left and wish we were different, we are saying in essence, God, you did a rotten job with making me. When we turn to Him in gratitude for what He’s given, we are glorifying Him as Creator. Valuing the individual gifting He has placed within us is a key way we honor Him. 

I like to test my heart with gratitude. If my words of thanksgiving are disingenuous, I know I am harboring the bitter roots of comparison and envy within. Through repentance and returning once again in thanksgiving to the Lord, my heart is set free at the deepest level. As a singer, there is no other option worth considering than living with a free and open heart in worship. 

© 2011 Anna Blanc